59 Rivoli, Paris
The reasons I am contacting you are twofold, the first being to exact revenge for a serious slander against your once great name and the second being a golden opportunity to revive your moribund career.
Now you may well have noticed that I have already referred to your greatness in the past tense and called your career moribund but I do this with good intention.
With these points firmly in your mind I move to begin my explanation of a severe defamation of your name.
Colm O Rouke, once of Tipperkevin Ballymore Eustace, Co. Kildare, Ireland, current address Main Street Ballymore Eustace, is a man without an iota of respect for the name Sting. He sniggers every time your name is mentioned and constantly jeers that you stole your name off Sting the wrestler, when you and I both know that you were already called Sting in 1977 when you formed “The Police” and Sting the wrestler didn’t assume the name till 1987, a full DECADE later.
Ballymore Eustace is the small village I grew up in, it has a population of 872 and it is there that I first met this scourge to your formally great name.
Far be it from your music sounding out dated and impotent in a society where anyone who can cobble together enough cash for a Wi-Fi hot coffee spot can gain access to any album in the world, so why would they bother to listening to you, I think my friend Colm is the main reason for your fall from grace.
He has been going around Ballymore for upwards of ten years telling every person he passes that you’re a “shithouse”. Now I know what you’re thinking, “over the years I’ve lost thousands of fans by nattering on about yoga or prancing around like a prick in front of T.V. news cameras harping on about rainforests in a desperate effort to try and keep my already inconsequential music career alive, how could a town of only 872 people be responsible for such a colossal drop in popularity?”
Well let me tell you this thing Sting : Ballymore is regularly visited by people from neighbouring towns such as Dunlavin, Blessington, even Naas and now word has spread to these towns as well. Literally all of Kildare (Save myself and 6 of my dearest friends) thinks the word “Shithouse” every time your name is mentioned. I have even heard of it being said as far away as Hacketstown, which to my knowledge isn’t even in Kildare! Word is spreading Sting and it’s spreading fast.
However, me and my aforementioned friends have come up with a plan to finally lay this beast to rest, codenamed “Blood Sausage : Ass Victim”
Thanks to your unnecessarily publicised interest in yoga, affinity for the art of physical perfection and off the cuff interview remarks r.e. your sexual prowess by your good friend and professional poverty profiteer Bob Geldof, the world at large knows that a thugish buggery beating from your barking blood sausage would truly be a humbling experience for any man to be on the receiving end of.
We feel that raping our friend is the only way that you can restore yourself to the once meteoric height you perched atop of, and it has the added bonus of you again declaring extreme yoga sex god dominance to the world.
We also feel that given your estimated wealth of 180 million pounds and your top ten entry in 2011′s “Sunday Times Rich List” that your cost of travel should be at your own expense.
That being said, we are not idiots and realise that you don’t become a millionaire by giving money away so, I have come up with a plan to help earn back some of your cost.
I am in a band called Tongue Bundle and we put on a night of music every Thursday night in a pub in Dublin. There are usually two bands a night and the bar pays 20 euro per band.
If you were to play support for us while you were over here to rape my friend we would be more than happy to play for free and give you the full cash payment.
Now I can already hear you saying “but I’ve been making concert goers pay through nose for years to sustain my over indulgent propensity toward owning several lavish homes and private jets, why would I think of taking such a meagre fee for my celestial presence?”
Well Sting, just as Miles Davis often turned to young musicians to help him continuously reinvent the ways and rules of music, I feel that you could benefit from the presence of invigorating young musicians like Tongue Bundle.
I believe that this two pronged attack will certainly spark your useless and dying career back to life.
I keenly await your response